How did I get fat?
I got fat because I ate the wrong things, I drank too much alcohol, I allowed myself one more bingeful weekend with food, drink lulling myself into a false sense of security that come Monday I'd change all of this.
Of course Monday would come and I'd try my hardest but by the end of the week I was looking forward to the weekend so I could use the excuse of the weekend to fall back of the wagon again. I felt that losing weight was just too hard.
I've been teased about my weight my entire life, and as you get older you find ways to deal with this. For me as a kid by about 10 I realised I didn't look like the other kids at school, my uniform was always tighter, I became sensitive about PE because I didn't want everyone to laugh at me, I also hated it because I was never picked until last for teams. Kids called me names, kids are so cruel and those taunts still ring in my head these days, particularly with a surname like Small, I was always being told "you're not small, your a fattie! You have to change your name to Fattie" and so on.
I can remember at aged 11, not wanting to go to a pool party because I'd have to get into my swimmers and I was fat and didn't want the other kids looking. Everything became harder in life, I started to hide away and became very shy....
As I entered highschool the teasing just becomes harder. I learnt to grow a backbone and the shyness seemed to fall away because I became more assured of myself. I had boobs, a good bum, yeah I was a little bit overweight but I knew I had nice eyes, a kind smile and I found myself a boyfriend. He loved me for who I was, not what I looked like. He was my highschool sweetheart and we dated for 4 years through school, we were convinced at 14 that we'd never be apart. He wanted to get married but when I wanted to go off and explore the world he wouldn't wait.... He ended up marrying at 22.
To be honest I was absolutely heartbroken and I went off the rails partying, drinking, didn't care what I was doing to myself. I felt utterly rejected and retaliated by not caring about myself anymore. I fell into years of bad bad relationships, and a bad marriage - something I will cover off in another post but my ex-husband pushed me to my limits. What he did was unforgivable for most people.... Through this all I ate everything to hide away, food always made me feel good, when I was lonely, when I was bored, when my heart ached and I thought it would stay broken forever....
In 2007 I never expected to meet my now husband at work. I worked damn hard - in fact I never missed a day while I was moving house to get away from my ex, having a bad day all of it I never missed a day. I threw myself into work. About this time I decided I was going to lose weight and I attempted Weight Watchers for about the 3rd time in my life and initially I was losing weight but when my hubby and I started dating of course you get a little relaxed and I put on weight. Soon enough I'd put on the weight that I'd worked hard to lose. I embarked on a strict diet and training regime. I went to the gym 6-7 days a week sometimes twice a day. I ate very little and of course the weight came off -30kgs. We married in January 2010 and it was a lovely wedding, it was perfect and we went on our honeymoon and of course went all out and ate and drank and relaxed and we come bigger than we started but we were happy and went about our lives. A trip to the Hunter Valley in March resulted in some happy news come April when we found out we were pregnant, from here on in I expanded rapidly and even after the baby I haven't been able to stop and I'm now at the heaviest I've been ever in my life. My hubby loves me no matter what and he's seen me at my biggest, thinnest, happiest, lowest all of it.
Whilst I was on maternity leave I just ate and ate, I felt like it didn't matter anymore what I looked like, I dyed my hair brown (from blonde) and wore trackies everywhere, I never wore makeup, I just stopped caring... I felt like I'd lost my identity. Nothing was about me anymore it was about my child and he came first (and he always will) but I put everything including my health on hold.
Of course returning to work after 8 months I now feel like I've found a little piece of me again and I will be working hard to try and lose around 40 kgs for me, for my husband, for my child.
No more excuses, binging, hiding, I'm in a happy place so I should be celebrating by turning things around to work on me for a little bit.
When I feel down, fat, miserable I have to realise it's not just about me, and I'm not doing this just for me - I'm doing this for our family, for better quality of life.
I've seen and heard it all, I've been gossiped about behind my back, not been chosen for sporting teams, turned down for jobs all because of the way I look, but for those of you who took the time to look inside and see the real me and get to know me know that of course this is all shallow things people say, and I refuse to be a part of it anymore because I'm going to make myself healthy, rise about the looks, the gossip and find me - find the coffee fiend for real.
No self pity here, it's about positivity not negativity to get me through these hard months ahead so true friends and family thankyou.... I know you support me
Stay tuned....
Saturday, 13 August 2011
Making time for coffee
It's so easy to make time for coffee, but why is not so easy to stop and make time for the important things in life? For me, this should mean I stop and make time to go to the gym, stop and go for a walk with the family but I use every excuse not to.
I've used my "fat" as an excuse not to do things to, and now it's affecting the quality of life with my family. I find it hard to kneel down on the floor and play with my son, I worry when he walks I don't be able to chase him around without collapsing in a heap!
I've allowed myself to get fat so why won't I stop sabotaging myself and allow myself to get fit and healthy and lose some weight.
I've vowed not to use the word "diet" because I think diet has such negative connotations connected to it, I will use healthy lifestyle instead.
I've vowed to change myself for the better, for my family and my quality of life.
Currently I drink a LARGE flat white like me has loads of milk and body so I should swap this for a coffee with less milk and realise that this will shrink my body too.
Next post, how I got to be fat...
I've used my "fat" as an excuse not to do things to, and now it's affecting the quality of life with my family. I find it hard to kneel down on the floor and play with my son, I worry when he walks I don't be able to chase him around without collapsing in a heap!
I've allowed myself to get fat so why won't I stop sabotaging myself and allow myself to get fit and healthy and lose some weight.
I've vowed not to use the word "diet" because I think diet has such negative connotations connected to it, I will use healthy lifestyle instead.
I've vowed to change myself for the better, for my family and my quality of life.
Currently I drink a LARGE flat white like me has loads of milk and body so I should swap this for a coffee with less milk and realise that this will shrink my body too.
Next post, how I got to be fat...
Wednesday, 22 June 2011
Bad Coffee
So in my bid to lose weight and get healthy, it was recommended my GP that I try Optifast (shakes that replace meals) I tried the coffee flavour this morning and whilst of course I don't expect that it's going to taste anything like a "real" coffee but I almost spat out my "breakfast"! That is not coffee, that is a mistake in a packet!
Disappointing indeed. That reminds me of other disappointments I've had in my life. To understand how I got to the weight I am today we go on a journey back back to when I was 11.
My mother (rightfully so) kicked out my father after he'd be carrying on an affair with a work colleague for 2 years. She was his high school sweetheart and they happened to meet again at work and apparently fell in love. Whatever .....
Sadly this wasn't the only affair he had, he had numerous ones and I will never ever forgive him for that.
I certainly didn't blame myself or anything like that but both my brother and I became very protective of my mother and grew up very quickly. In fact my brother on my wedding day in his speech thanked me for helping to raise him and make him the man he is today - that touched my heart and I will never forget those words.
I was the only one at school (primary entering high school) who's parents had *whispers* split up. In fact some stupid parents went as far as not letting me play with their child anymore (no lies) maybe they thought they could catch divorce who knows. So I felt a little isolated at times. My father now in his "romance" didn't make time to see me or my brother who was 4 at the time and this is pure rejection in my eyes. My brother and I are from my fathers second marriage but my mothers only children. We have 2 half brothers and now have 2 step sisters too.
So let's eat to make ourselves feel better.
High school, I was always the bigger girl in primary and in high school that didn't change. I envied my skinny friends and wished and wished I could look like them. Eat to hide those feelings
I became heavily involved in Church and so did a few of my school friends. Through high school and Church I met my first love and even thinking about him now my heart still flutters. Craig McDonald. He was one of 4 children, his parents lived in housing commission but he was the sweetest and most naive guy I'd ever met! We started dating in year 8/9 (we were14) and I asked him out! It took me two hours to convince him that it was okay and at first everyone teased us and then by about week 2 into it we were envied by most of the year (200 in our year) because we were mature and dating.
We were madly in love, I remember so much about that relationship, things we did together innocently and not. We were Christians and swore we would save ourselves for marriage but since we were so in love we consummated our relationship and I don't regret that for a moment. I had some of the best young years of my life with him and we are friends today.
If it wasn't for me, we'd be together still. After high school we broke up because I was stupid and did some dumb dumb stuff and wrecked our friendship and relationship. Since his grand plans were to get married and have a family he met someone else and married her. He was soo young about 22/23.
Depressed, eat more and more
Start going clubbing, drinking too much and living a fast life.
Start meeting and dating wrong men, leading to disaster. Eat more
Marry wrong person who cheats on you, brings women into your home, gambles, bring drugs into your home - dump his ass and left with debt = eat more
At this point I weighed the most ever and surprisingly met Scott at work. I certainly wasn't looking for anything but we met and fell in love.
He knew me and fell in love with me at my biggest but he supported me and watched me lose 30+ kgs before our wedding in January 2010.
Honeymoon, relaxed and happy + pregnant I gained a STACK of weight. = EAT EAT EAT
Have a baby and think what the hell it doesn't matter what I look like and EAT more.
We have arrived at today. I've used food as my crutch my entire life. I ate the wrong foods and knew perfectly well what would happened. I knew I ate too much food all of that.
I've had a problem with foods and body image my whole life. I've crashed dieted, done weight watchers and other programs and never succeeded. When I lost 30+kgs I did it through pure determination and hard work. I had no refined sugars, no alcohol, little carbs, and virtually eliminated everything from my life. I went to the gym twice a day Monday through Friday and then on Saturday and Sunday too for a session. I never did a class or had a trainer - I just worked my ass off and it happened.
So through all the disapointments I can see there is a future for me. Things are great. I have a nice house (abeit massive mortgage), a wonderful husband and beautiful son. I have a job and good family, so I have to suck it up and realise that sometimes coffee isn't going to be that good but it's all for the good and there will be better coffees down the track.
Disappointing indeed. That reminds me of other disappointments I've had in my life. To understand how I got to the weight I am today we go on a journey back back to when I was 11.
My mother (rightfully so) kicked out my father after he'd be carrying on an affair with a work colleague for 2 years. She was his high school sweetheart and they happened to meet again at work and apparently fell in love. Whatever .....
Sadly this wasn't the only affair he had, he had numerous ones and I will never ever forgive him for that.
I certainly didn't blame myself or anything like that but both my brother and I became very protective of my mother and grew up very quickly. In fact my brother on my wedding day in his speech thanked me for helping to raise him and make him the man he is today - that touched my heart and I will never forget those words.
I was the only one at school (primary entering high school) who's parents had *whispers* split up. In fact some stupid parents went as far as not letting me play with their child anymore (no lies) maybe they thought they could catch divorce who knows. So I felt a little isolated at times. My father now in his "romance" didn't make time to see me or my brother who was 4 at the time and this is pure rejection in my eyes. My brother and I are from my fathers second marriage but my mothers only children. We have 2 half brothers and now have 2 step sisters too.
So let's eat to make ourselves feel better.
High school, I was always the bigger girl in primary and in high school that didn't change. I envied my skinny friends and wished and wished I could look like them. Eat to hide those feelings
I became heavily involved in Church and so did a few of my school friends. Through high school and Church I met my first love and even thinking about him now my heart still flutters. Craig McDonald. He was one of 4 children, his parents lived in housing commission but he was the sweetest and most naive guy I'd ever met! We started dating in year 8/9 (we were14) and I asked him out! It took me two hours to convince him that it was okay and at first everyone teased us and then by about week 2 into it we were envied by most of the year (200 in our year) because we were mature and dating.
We were madly in love, I remember so much about that relationship, things we did together innocently and not. We were Christians and swore we would save ourselves for marriage but since we were so in love we consummated our relationship and I don't regret that for a moment. I had some of the best young years of my life with him and we are friends today.
If it wasn't for me, we'd be together still. After high school we broke up because I was stupid and did some dumb dumb stuff and wrecked our friendship and relationship. Since his grand plans were to get married and have a family he met someone else and married her. He was soo young about 22/23.
Depressed, eat more and more
Start going clubbing, drinking too much and living a fast life.
Start meeting and dating wrong men, leading to disaster. Eat more
Marry wrong person who cheats on you, brings women into your home, gambles, bring drugs into your home - dump his ass and left with debt = eat more
At this point I weighed the most ever and surprisingly met Scott at work. I certainly wasn't looking for anything but we met and fell in love.
He knew me and fell in love with me at my biggest but he supported me and watched me lose 30+ kgs before our wedding in January 2010.
Honeymoon, relaxed and happy + pregnant I gained a STACK of weight. = EAT EAT EAT
Have a baby and think what the hell it doesn't matter what I look like and EAT more.
We have arrived at today. I've used food as my crutch my entire life. I ate the wrong foods and knew perfectly well what would happened. I knew I ate too much food all of that.
I've had a problem with foods and body image my whole life. I've crashed dieted, done weight watchers and other programs and never succeeded. When I lost 30+kgs I did it through pure determination and hard work. I had no refined sugars, no alcohol, little carbs, and virtually eliminated everything from my life. I went to the gym twice a day Monday through Friday and then on Saturday and Sunday too for a session. I never did a class or had a trainer - I just worked my ass off and it happened.
So through all the disapointments I can see there is a future for me. Things are great. I have a nice house (abeit massive mortgage), a wonderful husband and beautiful son. I have a job and good family, so I have to suck it up and realise that sometimes coffee isn't going to be that good but it's all for the good and there will be better coffees down the track.
Monday, 20 June 2011
Latte, Flat White, Long Black.....
It's true, I do see life a lot like coffee... When I was thinking about what and how to title this blog I didn't want some wishy washy name or something that sounded clever but didn't mean anything to me so I chose Storm in a Coffee Cup.
My life has been anything but normal, and I've had my ups and downs. This is like coffee, you have good coffee (an up), bad coffee (a down), retched coffee (rock bottom) and climbing back to exception coffee (you're on top of the world!)
It's funny because I haven't always liked coffee, in fact it was when I was 18 and desperately trying to get into the retail industry, Gloria Jeans was my first "real" full time job.I worked in the first flagship store in Australia - when coffee was just taking off and we were crazy bust with queues of people out the door before we'd even opened the store!
I knew NOTHING about coffee and in fact didn't even like the smell of coffee. Within weeks I was converted. Through extensive training I became a top barista and could perfect the perfect cup. I became a little obsessed with making sure every cup was the best of the best.
Thinking back this is how I led my life too, making sure that I constantly did better. A better car, better boyfriend, better clothes all of it.
I have definitely had some BAD cups of coffee along the way, those are relationships I'd much rather forget, but it has led me to where I am today and I am grateful for that.
As I write this I'm sipping a perfectly made latte and realising life is good and life is what you make it. If you buy cheap instant coffee and expect to have a brilliant frothed perfected coffee you will be sadly mistaken so take a moment to smell the coffee beans and take in life.
My life has been anything but normal, and I've had my ups and downs. This is like coffee, you have good coffee (an up), bad coffee (a down), retched coffee (rock bottom) and climbing back to exception coffee (you're on top of the world!)
It's funny because I haven't always liked coffee, in fact it was when I was 18 and desperately trying to get into the retail industry, Gloria Jeans was my first "real" full time job.I worked in the first flagship store in Australia - when coffee was just taking off and we were crazy bust with queues of people out the door before we'd even opened the store!
I knew NOTHING about coffee and in fact didn't even like the smell of coffee. Within weeks I was converted. Through extensive training I became a top barista and could perfect the perfect cup. I became a little obsessed with making sure every cup was the best of the best.
Thinking back this is how I led my life too, making sure that I constantly did better. A better car, better boyfriend, better clothes all of it.
I have definitely had some BAD cups of coffee along the way, those are relationships I'd much rather forget, but it has led me to where I am today and I am grateful for that.
As I write this I'm sipping a perfectly made latte and realising life is good and life is what you make it. If you buy cheap instant coffee and expect to have a brilliant frothed perfected coffee you will be sadly mistaken so take a moment to smell the coffee beans and take in life.
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