Getting to be fat - what does it mean?

How did I get fat? 

I got fat because I ate the wrong things, I drank too much alcohol, I allowed myself one more bingeful weekend with food, drink lulling myself into a false sense of security that come Monday I'd change all of this. 
Of course Monday would come and I'd try my hardest but by the end of the week I was looking forward to the weekend so I could use the excuse of the weekend to fall back of the wagon again. I felt that losing weight was just too hard.

I've been teased about my weight my entire life, and as you get older you find ways to deal with this. For me as a kid by about 10 I realised I didn't look like the other kids at school, my uniform was always tighter, I became sensitive about PE because I didn't want everyone to laugh at me, I also hated it because I was never picked until last for teams. Kids called me names, kids are so cruel and those taunts still ring in my head these days, particularly with a surname like Small, I was always being told "you're not small, your a fattie! You have to change your name to Fattie" and so on. 
I can remember at aged 11, not wanting to go to a pool party because I'd have to get into my swimmers and I was fat and didn't want the other kids looking. Everything became harder in life, I started to hide away and became very shy.... 
As I entered highschool the teasing just becomes harder. I learnt to grow a backbone and the shyness seemed to fall away because I became more assured of myself. I had boobs, a good bum, yeah I was a little bit overweight but I knew I had nice eyes, a kind smile and I found myself a boyfriend. He loved me for who I was, not what I looked like. He was my highschool sweetheart and we dated for 4 years through school, we were convinced at 14 that we'd never be apart. He wanted to get married but when I wanted to go off and explore the world he wouldn't wait.... He ended up marrying at 22. 
To be honest I was absolutely heartbroken and I went off the rails partying, drinking, didn't care what I was doing to myself. I felt utterly rejected and retaliated by not caring about myself anymore. I fell into years of bad bad relationships, and a bad marriage - something I will cover off in another post but my ex-husband pushed me to my limits. What he did was unforgivable for most people.... Through this all I ate everything to hide away, food always made me feel good, when I was lonely, when I was bored, when my heart ached and I thought it would stay broken forever....
In 2007 I never expected to meet my now husband at work. I worked damn hard - in fact I never missed a day while I was moving house to get away from my ex, having a bad day all of it I never missed a day. I threw myself into work. About this time I decided I was going to lose weight and I attempted Weight Watchers for about the 3rd time in my life and initially I was losing weight but when  my hubby and I started dating of course you get a little relaxed and I put on weight. Soon enough I'd put on the weight that I'd worked hard to lose. I embarked on a strict diet and training regime. I went to the gym 6-7 days a week sometimes twice a day. I ate very little and of course the weight came off -30kgs. We married in January 2010 and it was a lovely wedding, it was perfect and we went on our honeymoon and of course went all out and ate and drank and relaxed and we come bigger than we started but we were happy and went about our lives. A trip to the Hunter Valley in March resulted in some happy news come April when we found out we were pregnant, from here on in I expanded rapidly and even after the baby I haven't been able to stop and I'm now at the heaviest I've been ever in my life. My hubby loves me no matter what and he's seen me at my biggest, thinnest, happiest, lowest all of it.
Whilst I was on maternity leave I just ate and ate, I felt like it didn't matter anymore what I looked like, I dyed my hair brown (from blonde) and wore trackies everywhere, I never wore makeup, I just stopped caring... I felt like I'd lost my identity. Nothing was about me anymore it was about my child and he came first (and he always will) but I put everything including my health on hold. 
Of course returning to work after 8 months I now feel like I've found a little piece of me again and I will be working hard to try and lose around 40 kgs for me, for my husband, for my child. 
No  more excuses, binging, hiding, I'm in a happy place so I should be celebrating by turning things around to work on me for a little bit.
When I feel down, fat, miserable I have to realise it's not just about me, and I'm not doing this just for me - I'm doing this for our family, for better quality of life. 

I've seen and heard it all, I've been gossiped about behind my back, not been chosen for sporting teams, turned down for jobs all because of the way I look, but for those of you who took the time to look inside and see the real me and get to know me know that of course this is all shallow things people say, and I refuse to be a part of it anymore because I'm going to make myself healthy, rise about the looks, the gossip and find me - find the coffee fiend for real.
No self pity here, it's about positivity not negativity to get me through these hard months ahead so true friends and family thankyou.... I know you support me
Stay tuned....

Making time for coffee

It's so easy to make time for coffee, but why is not so easy to stop and make time for the important things in life? For me, this should mean I stop and make time to go to the gym, stop and go for a walk with the family but I use every excuse not to. 
I've used my "fat" as an excuse not to do things to, and now it's affecting the quality of life with my family. I find it hard to kneel down on the floor and play with my son, I worry when he walks I don't be able to chase him around without collapsing in a heap! 
I've allowed myself to get fat so why won't I stop sabotaging myself and allow myself to get fit and healthy and lose some weight. 
I've vowed not to use the word "diet" because I think diet has such negative connotations connected to it, I will use healthy lifestyle instead. 
I've vowed to change myself for the better, for my family and my quality of life. 
Currently I drink a LARGE flat white like me has loads of milk and body so I should swap this for a coffee with less milk and realise that this will shrink my body too. 
Next post, how I got to be fat...