Bad Coffee

So in my bid to lose weight and get healthy, it was recommended my GP that I try Optifast (shakes that replace meals) I tried the coffee flavour this morning and whilst of course I don't expect that it's going to taste anything like a "real" coffee but I almost spat out my "breakfast"! That is not coffee, that is a mistake in a packet! 
Disappointing indeed. That reminds me of other disappointments I've had in my life. To understand how I got to the weight I am today we go on a journey back back to when I was 11.
My mother (rightfully so) kicked out my father after he'd be carrying on an affair with a work colleague for 2 years. She was his high school sweetheart and they happened to meet again at work and apparently fell in love. Whatever .....
Sadly this wasn't the only affair he had, he had numerous ones and I will never ever forgive him for that. 
I certainly didn't blame myself or anything like that but both my brother and I became very protective of my mother and grew up very quickly. In fact my brother on my wedding day in his speech thanked me for helping to raise him and make him the man he is today - that touched my heart and I will never forget those words.
I was the only one at school (primary entering high school) who's parents had *whispers* split up. In fact some stupid parents went as far as not letting me play with their child anymore (no lies) maybe they thought they could catch divorce who knows. So I felt a little isolated at times. My father now in his "romance" didn't make time to see me or my brother who was 4 at the time and this is pure rejection in my eyes. My brother and I are from my fathers second marriage but my mothers only children. We have 2 half brothers and now have 2 step sisters too.
So let's eat to make ourselves feel better.
High school, I was always the bigger girl in primary and in high school that didn't change. I envied my skinny friends and wished and wished I could look like them. Eat to hide those feelings
I became heavily involved in Church and so did a few of my school friends. Through high school and Church I met my first love and even thinking about him now my heart still flutters. Craig McDonald. He was one of 4 children, his parents lived in housing commission but he was the sweetest and most naive guy I'd ever met! We started dating in year 8/9 (we were14) and I asked him out! It took me two hours to convince him that it was okay and at first everyone teased us and then by about week 2 into it we were envied by most of the year (200 in our year) because we were mature and dating.
We were madly in love, I remember so much about that relationship, things we did together innocently and not. We were Christians and swore we would save ourselves for marriage but since we were so in love we consummated our relationship and I don't regret that for a moment. I had some of the best young years of my life with him and we are friends today. 
If it wasn't for me, we'd be together still. After high school we broke up because I was stupid and did some dumb dumb stuff and wrecked our friendship and relationship. Since his grand plans were to get married and have a family he met someone else and married her. He was soo young about 22/23. 
Depressed, eat more and more
Start going clubbing, drinking too much and living a fast life. 
Start meeting and dating wrong men, leading to disaster. Eat more
Marry wrong person who cheats on you, brings women into your home, gambles, bring drugs into your home - dump his ass and left with debt =  eat more
At this point I weighed the most ever and surprisingly met Scott at work. I certainly wasn't looking for anything but we met and fell in love.
He knew me and fell in love with me at my biggest but he supported me and watched me lose 30+ kgs before our wedding in January 2010.
Honeymoon, relaxed and happy + pregnant I gained a STACK of weight. = EAT EAT EAT
Have a baby and think what the hell it doesn't matter what I look like and EAT more.
We have arrived at today. I've used food as my crutch my entire life. I ate the wrong foods and knew perfectly well what would happened. I knew I ate too much food all of that.
I've had a problem with foods and body image my whole life. I've crashed dieted, done weight watchers and other programs and never succeeded. When I lost 30+kgs I did it through pure determination and hard work. I had no refined sugars, no alcohol, little carbs, and virtually eliminated everything from my life. I went to the gym twice a day Monday through Friday and then on Saturday and Sunday too for a session. I never did a class or had a trainer - I just worked my ass off and it happened. 

So through all the disapointments I can see there is a future for me. Things are great. I have a nice house (abeit massive mortgage), a wonderful husband and beautiful son. I have a job and good family, so I have to suck it up and realise that sometimes coffee isn't going to be that good but it's all for the good and there will be better coffees down the track.